Fickle Pickle

I feel so bad that I haven't had time to update my blog. Seems like time just goes way too fast for me now that I am again following a schedule every day. And it almost always takes up 24 hours of my time, 7 days a week! No more play-it-by-ear spontaneity, no more rest other than the sleep I seldom get enough of at night.

Work is okay. It's not great, but it's not so bad either. Just okay. Tyler is doing better at daycare. He's still not completely happy there but I really doubt he will ever be as he prefers being with the people he sees at home. Tony is still Tony, loves me and cares for me.

Life is going in such a fast-paced and uniform cycle but it never fails to spice it up with a sudden twist every now and then. It seems as predictable as a day is, sometimes something catches you off guard and you ask yourself what the hell just happened.

Sometimes I feel I want change but sometimes I feel I am too scared to tear away from what I'm accustomed to. And what's sad is, I don't know what's better. And the worst part? This whole shit doesn't even make sense.

New and Improved

Starting this new job, I'm surprised at myself. I bore a new trait I didn't possess in the past and it makes me smile. I can't even say what it is in words. All I can say is it makes me a better employer and a better person and it makes me feel good about myself.

Aunt Marji

So we met Marjorie Rogers, owner of Primrose School where Tyler will be spending weekdays starting on Tuesday. I still didn't feel that feeling I was looking for but Tony is pretty convinced she's it. That's good enough for me, I guess. Maybe because I'm his mom, I feel that no one is as good as me when it comes to taking care of Tyler. No one will do a better job than me. I know that for a fact, actually. But I'm also convinced daycare will be good for Tyler. He may not be treated as well as when he's with me but daycare will mold his social skills and even strengthen his immune system.

Aunt Marji, as she refers to herself, is a lady with a southern drawl with 3 dogs. She is very mellow and seems to love kids and just knows what to do with them. She has a helper and Tyler will be her 9th kid. She was recommended to us so that's a big thing.

I really hope she is as good as they say she is!

So far so good...

A lot has happened in the last week. I live with my in-laws now and have left Oxnard, hopefully for good because I hate that city. Tony says we will stay here in Winnetka for maybe a couple of weeks until we get a cheap apartment somewhere in Chatsworth. We will stay there for maybe 6 months to a year until my credit is established and we can finally buy a house in Simi Valley. That is the plan. Life has a tendency to throw changes at us and it sometimes hits us so hard it's tough to get back on track. Hopefully this time we have it down to a square because I am starting to hate going back to the drawing board and start with square one again.

I have to come to terms with my crying heart because it hasn't stopped since the news of getting the job. Sole reason: Tyler. We have visited several day care centers and none but one passed our standards as far as safety and our overall comfort. Problem is -- they're pricey! It would eat up all my paycheck in a week and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say 'well, that's stupid'. All the other ones just didn't appeal to us at all - either the place smelled of poop, we saw snotty kids, down to seeing teachers who seemed to be just doing their job and get through the day, not caring about the kids at all. However, someone recommended a lady that does day care at her home and happens to be conveniently located practically next door to my in-laws. We were told that this lady does wonders (she transformed a misbehaving boy to an angel, she teaches phonics everyday and has all the kids reading by 3) and Tony talked to her on the phone for a while and absolutely loved her. She said "The first two weeks, Tyler would not want to be dropped off. The next two weeks, he would not want to be picked up." It all sounds very promising and idealistic and it would be amazing to prove it all right. We were supposed to meet with her today but her daughter gave birth today so she postponed the meeting to tomorrow. She couldn't get a hold of Tony to cancel but didn't leave the house to go to the hospital until she talked to Tony and to me that says a lot about her. So Tony and I are very hopeful that this is it, she is it. I can't wait to meet her.

Just to soften the blow, I have been taking Tyler to a potential daycare for an hour each day. Yesterday, instead of sticking around, I left for 30 minutes. When I saw him get distracted with the toys, I snuck out. When I got back, boy was he upset and looked like he cried from the moment I took my first step away from the place. Needless to say, it will not be pretty when we officially start this.

As far as getting along with my in-laws, I've only been here a few days and so far so good. I'm very considerate and I try to do beyond my part to avoid clashes. I do not really like sharing a home with anyone I am not accustomed to seeing on a daily basis but I am willing to sacrifice when left with no choice. And they have been very gracious to accept us in their home so I have no right to complain. I try to help, even with the cooking although everyone knows I do not cook. I am making spaghetti tomorrow for dinner, pinoy style with red hot dog and UFC (no, not Ultimate Fighting Championship!, ketchup!)

I really am not looking forward to Sept 7th, when I officially re-enter the working world again. Not because I'm scared of the job, but because I know my heart will shatter in a million pieces kissing my little boy saying bye in the morning. I've already cried countless number of times and I am just getting started. I pray every night for strength and for really nice people who would give my boy at least half of what I have given him the first 16 months of his life. It'll be hard because no one can love him and care for him as much as I do. The only thing that keeps me from calling these people to say I don't want the job is the fact that Tyler and I are not the only ones going through this and that we will eventually cope. So, so far so good...

Saddest Day

So I had an interview this morning with a company that made OE quality import replacement parts. I walked in there with very little sleep not because I was nervous about the interview but because my heart wouldn't stop aching thinking about the possibility of being away from Tyler the majority of the day and trusting complete strangers to attend to his every needs. I must say it is the most difficult decision I ever had to make my whole life, all 27 years of them, not to mention the most heart-breaking and tear-inducing. That possibility, today, has become a reality because I got the job.

I can't even accept congratulations because I have no feelings of mirth or accomplishment, just pure blue funk.

Daily blah!

I went to a staffing agency today because my hunt for a job alone has not been successful. Hopefully these peeps can find me one. They are presenting me to a company in Chatsworth so it'll be quite a drive while still living in Oxnard (we are moving soon anyway) and they seem convinced that I have what it takes to go above and beyond the previous three candidates they already presented. So fingers-crossed, we shall see.

It isn't meeting my salary requirement but times like this, it's hard to be choose-y. Anything is a lot better than what I earn now, which is nothing so...

We have an appointment today at a daycare center we are hoping to put Tyler in. It's very expensive but nothing is cheap in California. So we'll see how that goes. I'm confident that my son, though might struggle in the beginning, will get used to it in no time. He's just that good :)

Wish me and Tyler good luck!

Timezones

I will never get the timezones straight. It just occurred to me tonight that I planned my flight all wrong to the Philippines in December this year. My parents are leaving for Hong Kong on the 15th and will fly to the Philippines on the 20th. They bought their tickets a while ago and I just decided recently that I want to go too. I started searching online for airfare deals. I have no interest in visiting HK so I thought I'd fly with Cathay (layovers are in HK from LAX then they fly to Manila) and meet them in HK on the 20th and we will all fly to the Philippines together. So I bought my ticket today and I fly out of LAX on the 20th. It just occurred to me now that my flight time (17 hours) plus time zone difference (15 hours) means that my flight arrives 2 days later, completely missing my parents 2 days!!! How dumb was I? I should have booked my ticket for the 18th!

Good thing Cathay was fully booked and I opted for PAL because I will be flying alone and I would appreciate a direct flight although my butt will be sore. I got aisle seats both ways so I can easily get in and out of my chair should I feel the need to stretch my legs and walk around. Now I just need to figure out how to get to Pampanga because I don't think my parents will wait for 2 days at the airport for me. Yikes!!!

So yes, I am spending Christmas back home away from my baby!!! I probably won't even make the two weeks I'm supposed to stay there for. I'd probably tell the pilot to turn around to take me home back to LA! Haha!!!

PS
If you're on my facebook, please keep it a hush-hush. None of my relatives know we are coming home for Christmas :)